What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
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