His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
