Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
