Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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