Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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