just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
