drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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