i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
