A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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