haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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