In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
