I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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