my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
