Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
