just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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