i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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