I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
