2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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