dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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