You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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