I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
