we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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