This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
