I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
