im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
