You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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