I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize