Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
COCAINE IS GR8
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
