you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
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