His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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