Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize