Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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