the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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