a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
