I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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