Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
