Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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