The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
