you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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