Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
