Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize