Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
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