Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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