I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
