Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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