I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
