Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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