I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
