I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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