you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize