Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
