I think I won the penis lottery.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
