I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
