Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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