You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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