I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
