I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize