happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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