Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
they need to just BURY HIM!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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