I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
