Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
