Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
