Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize