well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
