Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
