Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize