two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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