This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need a beard to bite.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
