why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize